A series of unfortunate as well some wonderfully fortunate events led to me have a set of experiences that I shall never regret. One of them was entertaining the idea of falling in Love.
I have been in love or more so – been in love with the idea of ‘Being In Love’ – the only Love I have truly felt has been for my parents, brothers and children (in all weird shapes and sizes).
For the rest of the world, I have always had compassion, a love that arose out of their pain or the fact that their pain was similar to mine or the fact that one day I might experience similar pain and therefore they deserve utmost yet humble kindness on my part.
I have met men, interacted with them and entertained the idea of Love but I couldn’t quite understand or comprehend what it was. What made my father miss my mother so badly even if she was away from him for only 3 days – it felt stupid almost radical to me.
I have been passionate in sharing my compassion with those who needed it or at least I felt they did; however, I have never experienced that bonding you would have with that one person you could envision your future with.
Anyway, so in my distant past, an event occured that prompted me to dissect what love is. Us Uranians, February borns, usually think logic first and emotion later. Ironic for an empath, don’t you think?
Like everything else I dissected what Love Actually means.These were the 4 parameters of the dissection:
- Sex – no – keeping the morality and personal beliefs aside – it can be as pleasurable if two consenting adults indulge into it without love. The fact that you are biologically compatible to produce healthy and good looking offspring to carry the human race forward – but love happens when one mate is disabled or has a terminal disease etc etc. – Na – Not the defining factor.
- Friendship – Not all friends make good lovers – not all lovers are friends
- Hormones – When two people usually of opposite sex, hopefully not related to each other, we don’t want to pull off a Game of Thrones here, know what I mean ;), there’s a lot of pheromones, there’s cuddling, there’s touching, there’s serotonin and a bunch of pair bonding hormones. After a point of time, it becomes like a drug that you get deprived. Valid point.
- Emotional Bonding – The ability that you can literally and figuratively get naked in front of this person without the fear of being judged – ultimate acceptance on both sides.
- Spritiual Connection – Empaths can’t deny this. Those who aren’t into spirituality might as well disregard this point. But, a deep spiritual connection with another person is possible and you’re lucky if you have that with someone – don’t let that person go without giving it all you have got but know when to stop – nothing matters more than your dignity – not even the validation of another person you love.
- Integration – If you’re so integrated with each other like super cool team mates where one knows when he will make the pass and the other knows she is going to get the pass to dunk the ball in – this happens at a later stage but it’s the chemistry and understanding. It takes patience and practice.
Thinking through all this – it just feels like going in circles – what is valid – what is not valid.
I think the only criteria one should set is
- Whether he respects you as an individual,
- Whether he is kind to those lower than him,
- Whether he does not take life for granted,
- Whether he is not a wall (he trusts you enough to open up to you and gives you a chance to open up to him),
- Whether he is ready to take a stand for you when you are right even if it is against the world and vice versa,
- Whether he respects your space and you do his – he respects your need to have a life outside of him and he has a thriving life outside of you – despite all that he comes home to you and you to him.
- When you fight, you give it all you have to resolve the differences.
I guess that’s love and it’s not time bound. It can happen within only a matter of three days to your surprise and may be one of the most transformative experiences of your life provided you are open to it. On the flip side, it can be detrimental.
I think love is leaving all your cards open and asking the other person to take that step forward for you – for the relationship – for something more than just a fling. Sometimes, it needs patience. Sometimes, despite patience, it won’t happen.
The only criteria to judge whether your love is true or not is to realize how many positive changes the relationship has induced in you.
I think it’s pulling a ‘Chicken Monica’ on Chandler from FRIENDS – it happens when you least expect it. All you can do is not to let destroy but make you a better version of you.
If you become a better version of yourself, it is true love. If it isn’t, you know the answer.
P.S. The article has been written from the perspective of a single straight female; however, the same applies for men and same-sex relationships. I think some laws are universal like the mysterious yet undecoded law of true love. It’s a lottery that we might end up winning if we’re lucky but we all hope to one day.